You might’ve heard about “The 36 Questions to Fall in Love” from a viral New York Times piece or a TED Talk. Or maybe a friend casually mentioned it over drinks and swore it made them cry (in a good way). Wherever it hit your radar, you’re probably wondering: what are these questions, and can they really make two people fall in love?
Let’s get into it - what they are, how they work, and why they might just be the best deep-dive conversation you ever have with someone.
Where Did the 36 Questions Come From?
These questions were originally part of a psychological study by Dr. Arthur Aron and his team in the 1990s. The goal? To see if creating emotional closeness between strangers was possible through structured, meaningful conversation.
Spoiler: it worked. Not only did participants report feeling more connected, but one pair famously fell in love and got married. Fast forward to now, and the questions have taken on a second life as a kind of modern love experiment.
They’re not a magic spell, but they are incredibly good at fast-tracking intimacy - the kind of real-deal vulnerability that tends to take months (or years) to develop.
How the 36 Questions Work
The 36 questions are split into three sets, each one designed to gradually deepen the connection. You start light, then move into more personal, introspective territory. Think of it like emotional scaffolding - you build trust, then climb higher.
Each set brings a new level of openness. And by the time you’re in the third set, you’re probably talking about things you’ve never said out loud to anyone else.
Oh - and there’s a twist at the end. After the questions, you're supposed to stare into each other’s eyes for four minutes. Sounds intense, but that shared silence often hits harder than the words.
Why People Are Obsessed With It
Here’s the thing: we’re all craving real connection. The kind where you’re not talking about your job or the weather, but who you actually are. What scares you. What excites you. How you view the world.
These questions skip small talk and take you straight into the good stuff. They can spark attraction, yes - but more importantly, they foster trust, honesty, and emotional intimacy. And in any relationship - romantic or not - those are the foundations that matter.
Set I: Breaking the Ice (But With Meaning)
The first 12 questions are simple, but thoughtful. Think of them as an easy on-ramp to vulnerability. You’re not diving into childhood trauma just yet - you're talking about things like:
- Would you like to be famous?
- What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
- When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
These questions gently invite openness and help both people feel safe being a little bit silly or sentimental. They’re great for breaking the surface without making anyone feel exposed too quickly.
Set II: Getting Personal
This is where the tone starts to shift. You’re now moving from preferences and hypotheticals to emotions, memories, and values.
Expect prompts like:
- What is your most treasured memory?
- What does friendship mean to you?
- What is your most terrible memory?
These questions encourage reflection and self-disclosure. They often lead to longer, more layered answers - and this is where emotional bonding tends to really kick in. If you’re doing this with someone new, this section is where things start to feel different.
Set III: The Deep End
By the time you reach Set III, the questions ask you to be truly vulnerable. You’re sharing your fears, your regrets, your hopes for how others see you.
Some examples:
- When did you last cry in front of another person?
- What would you most regret not having done in your life?
- Share a personal problem and ask your partner for advice on how they might handle it.
It’s not about impressing the other person anymore - it’s about being real. And that shift is what builds deep emotional closeness. Whether or not you fall in love, you’ll likely walk away with a profound sense of connection.
Does It Really Make People Fall in Love?
Here’s the honest answer: it depends.
If the chemistry’s not there, the 36 questions won’t conjure it out of thin air. But if there’s potential? They can definitely accelerate emotional closeness and help you see each other in a new light.
It’s also about timing. If you’re both in the right headspace, open to connection, and genuinely curious about each other, these questions can absolutely set the stage for something deeper. They peel away the layers and help you move from “just talking” to actually knowing someone.
Even if it doesn’t lead to romance, it often sparks meaningful conversations you wouldn’t have otherwise had.
How to Try the 36 Questions for Yourself
If you're curious to see what these questions can do, the setup is simple. Pick a time when you and your partner (or date, or even close friend) can be fully present. Choose a quiet space where you won’t be interrupted, and put your phones on silent.
Take turns reading and answering each question, starting from the top. Go slow. Really listen to each other. The goal isn’t to impress or come up with perfect answers – it’s to be real, even if that means being a little messy or uncertain.
And when you’ve made it through all 36? Sit in silence and hold eye contact for four minutes.
No matter the outcome, it’s a powerful way to connect – or reconnect – in a world that doesn’t always make space for deep conversation.
The Full List of 36 Questions to Fall in Love
Ready to try it for yourself? Here is the full list of 36 questions to fall in love.
Set I
- Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
- Would you like to be famous? In what way?
- Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
- What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
- When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
- If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
- Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
- Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
- For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
- If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be
- Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
- If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
Set II
- If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
- Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
- What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
- What do you value most in a friendship?
- What is your most treasured memory?
- What is your most terrible memory?
- If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
- What does friendship mean to you?
- What roles do love and affection play in your life?
- Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
- How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
- How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
Set III
- Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling ..."
- Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share ..."
- If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
- Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
- Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
- When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
- Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
- What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
- If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
- Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
- Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
- Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.
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